Wednesday 30 October 2013

Emotional roller coaster

  This latest blog will fill in all the thoughts and emotions I have felt in the last week, and although I hate this saying, "It has been an emotional rollercoaster".

  At the start of the week I was positive thinking about my marathon time ambitions and getting excited seeing my progress and times improve. I even started to think of other sporting events I would one day like to complete as with the popularity of Ironman I don't know whether it will always be as big a challenge. As an increasing number of people start believing an Ironman is possible it doesn't make the event as exclusive anymore. Maybe someday not too far away being an Ironman won't be as mammoth. This is not me being jealous of others becoming one as I think it is an amazing thing for the sport and for peoples ambitions. However, in order to keep bragging rights I feel I may need to step the intensity up - I seem to have a constant need to make things harder and to better myself. With this in mind the events I would like to complete are; The Norseman Ironman distance triathlon (officially the hardest Ironman distance event due to its location in Norway and extreme weather conditions), a double Ironman, a solo channel swim crossing (non-wetsuit), Marathon des Sables (running across the Sahara for 7 days) and probably the one that will be my last endurance event, The Arch to Arc (an extreme endurance triathlon over two countries - Britain and France . Running for 87miles to Dover followed by a channel swim then topped off with an 181mile bike to Paris).
  I am aware that completing an Ironman was a lifetime goal which I honestly did not expect to achieve until I was much older but the events I have just listed truly are lifetime goals due to the sheer difficulty and length of them. I would need to build my endurance capabilities over time and naturally endurance qualities build with age.
  With all these grand and difficult endurance events I asked myself the question, "Would my Ironman tattoo seem insignificant?". My answer is no. My Ironman marks a landmark and made me an endurance athlete. It will be the one endurance event I shall compete in more than any. Crossing the line in Wales proved that anything is possible and my journey and love of endurance events started from that point.

  On Wednesday I went for another 40mile bike ride with Jane. I thoroughly enjoyed this ride even if my legs were still aching from the Duathlon on the Sunday. My thighs were on fire when I tackled even the slightest incline, of which there is a lot in the Chilterns! The time went really quick and again we chatted about everything and anything including getting royally pissed off at the drivers who would beep and swear at us for cycling side-by-side. I know that any non-cyclist or triathlete out there may think we are ignorant for doing this but, we only do it when there is ample room to overtake i.e. a car can pass us with free room on the other side of the road. On top of that, as it is said when learning to drive you should give a single cyclist as much room as a car when overtaking so therefore having two cyclists riding side-by-side makes no difference to how they SHOULD be driving and overtaking. In fact it lessens the chance of an accident as the risky drivers aren't then tempted to do an overtake so close to the cyclist it could danger them. As Jane tells her children, "If they can beep they can see you".

  On a completely separate note I was told the other day that David Beckham is joining Gordon Ramsey at the Ironman World Championships in Kona in 2014. Although I completely disagree that as they are celebrities they can get a 'free card' to Kona as opposed to qualifying like the rest of us, it would be quite nice to see Beckham in lycra. My only chance to get to see that sight would be to qualify in Lanzarote so there's another bit of motivation.

  However, although I had an extra shot of motivation it didn't seem to last. This blog was always going to highlight the highs and lows when training for Ironman and I have most definitely been encountered the low. On Thursday I travelled to give my sister a hand to squeeze when she got a tattoo of Rosie's name on her thigh.


Emma's new tattoo

It was when as I was leaving my sister that the strong mental attitude I had been hanging onto plummeted. Emma began getting emotional saying goodbye and yet again I tried to not crumble, which I didn't. I didn't however want to leave. I wanted to hug my beautiful sister forever, comfort her, take her pain away and be taken away from the horrible situation we are in. After Emma persuaded me to go and drive safely I left and went to see my mum at work before heading home. Mum was just heading out as I got there but again after talking and hugging I didn't want to leave. I have never been one to get homesick but saying goodbye to my family at a time like this made me upset that I didn't live closer. I think I cried the whole way home listening to Lana Del Ray 'Young and Beautiful' on repeat.
  That night I didn't go swimming with the Tri Club as I honestly needed a break. I had some red wine which helped me chill out. When word got to mum that I hadn't gone training she was worried as missing training session (especially swimming) was a sure sign something was wrong. I assured her I just needed a little break as I had been feeling a chesty cough coming on and felt physically and mentally exhausted. I hadn't given myself much time to grieve or really take in what has happened and I just did what I always do to try and forget and focus - swim, cycle and run. I thought throwing myself back into what I love would be beneficial, but even the strongest of us need to take a step back. I had been trying to stay strong for everyone for so long that now it just hit me like a brick. I have always bottled my emotions and hate people seeing me cry so this weakness on my behalf was not welcome. I know I have a close family who are there to support me but we are all struggling and each one of us doesn't want to bring another down.

  On the Friday after my missed swim session it was back to work and I had a full blown cold, cough and sore throat. As well as that I was as emotionally low as I have ever felt. I hardly spoke all day and was asked countless times if I was OK. I'm normally the bubbly and loud one at work and with me being so quiet it was obvious something was up. Although I was feeling ill and by many others standards it would have meant a sick day, my emotional state was what was really the issue. I was wiping away tears at my desk and on many occasions went to the toilet to cry. One of my friends, Lisa, who works in Sky Sports did pop over in the afternoon and see me which was lovely of her and although I haven't been able to open up to anyone, to my surprise she definitely helped me get some stuff out. I was so relieved when my 12 hour shift was over and I could go home.
  Although my mood picked up a little on the Saturday at work, even now I am still not feeling myself. I did a leg training session on Sunday as I got a little bit of motivation after reading an article about the guy who started my Twittergate in TriathlonPlus magazine. This outlined how he came from a chain smoker and junk food lover into an Ironman in 6months. However, I still had a drink that night (as I don't drink a lot anymore this was out of character to be drinking every night) and due to a lack of protein, I am walking like John Wayne, side-walking downstairs and struggling to sit down to this day after my leg workout. On Monday night, you guessed it, I had another drink and had to tell Dan I was unable to watch '999 What's Your Emergency' as I kept thinking about Rose. The question that keeps playing in my mind is "How can someone so young, lively and healthy just not wake up?". I still cannot get over I will never see her again, she will never see my house or my children. I have even started to get the guilty feeling that comes with grieving; "Could I have done anything?". I know I was awake that night - why didn't I go and check? I have been telling my sister not to feel guilt ever since it happened so I know in my head I shouldn't be questioning these things - but I can't help it. There are many more questions I have been asking myself but fear I am turning this into a counselling diary so shall stop. 
  The point I want to make from this is related to training. Maybe I need to go against my own theory of self-assessed training. I know I am trying to get to Kona for Rose but right now I cannot get my head in the right place. Maybe a professionally made structured training plan will have to be a consideration for me even if I have never been keen on being tied and un-flexible. Again, it is early doors and this is JUST a consideration. And although it all seems lost it is coming through the low motivational times that makes an endurance athlete. Every long distance triathlete struggles with motivation sometimes, it is getting through it that makes you stronger. I know I won't give up on my goal I just need to push through.

  As if I didn't feel low enough the survey from our perfect house came back with a whole array of problems yesterday so unless the price is lowered then we need to start looking again. The house was my light at the end of the tunnel and I was holding all my excitement for our move in date. I tried not to think about the negatives of this too much and on the Tuesday night (yesterday) I went to a Channel Swim meeting. I am planning to do this next August as a relay team and this meet up was to get some more information about costs and protocol. For people who haven't read all of my blog my team wants to do this non-wetsuit which makes it a registered channel swim. With that means more acclimatisation training, more rules and stronger teamwork. We all need to have a medical and be assessed completing a 2hour swim below 17 degrees in skins (i.e. no wetsuit). We would also be assessed during the actual event to make sure we don't break the rules. The swim relay changeover has to be completed in 5 minutes and there is a certain way to do this. Both swimmers are not allowed to touch the boat or each other during the switchover otherwise it is an instant failed channel crossing. This means there is more pressure on understanding the rules and our teamwork. As I mentioned earlier another lifetime challenge is to complete a solo channel crossing and this is just another step towards that goal. It will give me an understanding of what it entails and what better time than with people I trust and get along well with who are all motivated and determined to succeed. I cannot lie however and say that this is going to be easy. I have no issue with the distance, I know I can complete 4hours of swimming especially when you consider the distance I complete during an Ironman. My fears lie much deeper than that - literally. I do not like sea creatures and hate to think what is lurking beneath me. I have a particular phobia of whales and jellyfish. I will be swimming alone for an hour at a time, left to my own thoughts and imagination. Although this is quite therapeutic at times it will not be if I am thinking of what lies in the dark waters beneath me. I also hate being cold, the circulation in my hands and feet is poor and I have never been open water swimming without a wetsuit as I am too much of a woos. There is more, I have been petrified of the dark from a child and shamefully still sleep with a night light (much to Dan's annoyance). Swimming alone in the dark (overnight), in the sea when cold is scarier to me than ANY Ironman (maybe even Lanzarote). What did I say my new favourite quote was? 'If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough' - shit.

Monday 21 October 2013

It doesn't get any easier

  The title of this blog post does have a double meaning. Firstly, it refers to the loss of Rosie. There is not a day or even a second that goes by that I don't miss her. I am constantly reminding myself what has happened and always thinking about her. Sometimes I will just hear what I am saying to myself and don't acknowledge it. Other times, I'll realise it is the truth and will break down. A lot of the time a song or memory will remind me of Rose and I have a mini meltdown that way. Everytime it is unexpected. I have constantly asked myself, "Does it get easier?" and everytime I reply to my question with how can it? I have lost one of the closest people to me, how can I ever forget that? Rose should be part of my life now and in the future. Most importantly she should be the bridesmaid at my wedding and godmother to my children. Even when I think of getting married, said to be the best day of a couples life, I am tainted by the thought that Rosie won't be there showing me up as she would do in a bridesmaid dress. Life just seems so unfair and cruel. This type of thing doesn't happen to my family - you hear about it but you never expect it. If anything has come out of it has taught me to live life as if it's your last, as you never know. I did take comfort last weekend however, when I stayed at my parents for my mums 60th birthday. The whole family got together to celebrate by going bowling and also revealed the lifesize pink cow we had bought her (which mum named Rosie). Although it was evident to everyone throughout the day that we were missing a family member it was a lovely weekend together and showed the unconditional love we all share for eachother which will never fade. Another humbling experience from that weekend was when we put the cow in the garden the weather cleared and the sun shone down on us - the thought that Rosie was with us watching over was a truly beautiful thing. 

Rosie the cow - and Rose shining down on us

  The second meaning of 'It doesn't get any easier' refers to the Lungbuster duathlon that I competed in yesterday (Sunday 20th October).
I don't normally opt for duathlons but as triathlons have stopped for the season I decided it would be a good one to keep me motivated as well as to keep me used to the cycle-run changeover. This was my first event since the Ironman and although it took me 12 hours less than Wales it proved that no matter how many events you do or how long the events are, they never get any easier. This was an out of season road event (many multisport events turn to off-road around this time of year) therefore the event had a relatively small turn out who I immediately assessed would be good at their chosen sport. There was a certain type of person there - not very chatty or smiley, tall and lanky men (suggesting they were runners) and very few women (only about 5 of us). I don't mean to stereotype but I have been to enough events to get the feel of how one is going to go, and I hate to blow my own trumpet but I wasn't wrong. Normally at the start of an event I would talk to my fellow competitors just to be friendly but it was evident that no-one wanted to chat. It was at this point I told myself, 'Do not get carried away with the pace'. I knew I had nothing to prove to anyone and I was wearing my Ironman finisher top with pride. Although the first 8 kilometres is not a long way in comparison to what I have completed, the pace would be a lot faster and even after 1k a pace which is too fast will take its toll. I had a theory that some other competitors would make this mistake - and again I was not wrong. Even after 800m (2 laps of the sport track) I was overtaking people who had set off too fast. I continued to tick people off throughout the whole 8k. This does not mean to say I found it easy - I was pushing the pace as I knew this was a sprint event and not an endurance one. I finished the first run in 36m17secs which is a PB for me by a long way. Although I had managed to overtake a few competitors who burned out during the first run I was still in the bottom half of the field (some were ridiculously fast which merely confirmed my suspicions about the talent I was up against).
  However, I did know that I could make up time on the bike as that was my stronger discipline. I can't remember how many people I picked off whilst cycling but I made up a fair bit of time. If I saw a distant bright colour from a high vis top they were my motivation - I was using people as my targets. The weather was also foul during the event, on the way to there I was faced with thunder and lightening and this made the not so experienced tread cautiously, not that I wasn't doing that as well (had to add that as we don't want mum to worry!). The bike was probably my favourite word; undulating - infact I would probably say it was a steady incline the whole way which also included a rather horrible and long 14% gradient hill. It also only had two real downhill sections, but this tough course played to my strengths. I managed to keep catching people until T2 where I knew I had to keep a good pace for the last 5k to keep the people I had overtaken at bay. I completed the 30k bike in
My time splits
1h02m. As soon as I began to run again the recurring pain along my left ITB was there. From that point I knew realistically I wouldn't be able to produce the run I had done the first time round but vowed not to stop. I kept a good look at my Garmin to check I wasn't dropping too much. I struggled with my injury during the final 5k and I couldn't wait to cross the line. I managed to finish the 5k in 26m27secs which I wasn't disappointed about given the circumstances (in fact I would've been pleased with that without an injury). This brought my overall finishing time to 2h 06m 39secs. This isn't amazingly fast in comparison to some but I have never been a sprinter and find more pleasure in endurance events. But I pushed myself all the same and felt rewarded for doing so. I drove home, had a bacon sandwich (bliss) and then watched the rain pour so much so that the area flooded. A good Sunday.

  During this event as I mentioned I relied heavily on my Garmin. I have to say this most definitely the best tool I have for training. Obviously the bike upgrade has been invaluable and has probably had more of an impact than I will know but in regards to all disciplines the Garmin is my best bit of kit I have. It is crucial when running to get my pace right and as I want to shorten my marathon time by 50 minutes I would find this an impossible task to do without it. I hate to think of myself as reliant on technology when it comes to training but in order to better myself I, as I think many others will agree, find it necessary. Whilst running I make sure I don't drop my pace below 6minutes per kilometre and if I have a good 1k time split (sometimes I was hitting 4.45) I would get a huge boost of positive energy. However, rather than push more I would reward myself by allowing myself to slow the pace if need be. The system works the other way too. If I have had a bad time split I'll speed up until I'm back on track again. This method so far seems to be working great and if I keep the pacing I did on Sunday (even on the second run) I am more than capable of a 3h45 marathon which I need to prove I can do in order to better my Wales time. However, this is based on my duathlon pace and in comparison to a marathon it is a minor distance even if I did feel strong. Endurance racing is completely different to sprint distances. 
  Another tactic to achieve a 3h45 marathon time is to break it down. I've heard many people say that a marathon is a race in two halves. I can be living proof that this is the case as during the London marathon I hit my half marathon PB which should mean you just do that pace again but it's not as easy as that. I ended up adding a further 30 minutes on the 'second' half of the race without even realising. My stamina is a lot better since I did London but it just goes to show what can happen. With this in mind I am going to break my marathon's into four - split into 10k. This worked well for Wales and was a good strategy. I have got two marathons booked so far for next year; the first is a tough one in Devon on the 8th February and then to hopefully improve on that I have another on the 5th May in Milton Keynes. The latter will also be a great assessment before going to Lanzarote.

  One another note, although the duathlon event was successful for my pacing and shows a future strategy for good it also highlights something that needs urgent attention - my knee injury. I have taken the next steps to get this checked out again by a sports injury specialist so I'll be updating that when I know more myself, although I am pretty certain an MRI scan is on the cards. I'm just praying it's nothing too serious. I have a half marathon in 2 weeks on the 3rd November and shall do the only thing I can do for that, strap it up using my Kinesio tape.

  On a final note I just had to share this picture of me with the Brownlee brothers. They were guests at work on Sky News this morning and although I felt embarrased getting a picture I knew I had to do it. I even got a little nervous and starstruck! Unfortunately we didn't have much time to talk before they were whisked away but they were impressed with my Ironman accomplishment their reaction being, "Wow! I heard the weather was pretty bad too". I'll take that praise from the GB triathlon stars! I wished them good luck on everything they do as they walked out. Sometimes Monday mornings at work aren't so awful.  


A good Monday morning

Sunday 20 October 2013

If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough

  I again apologise for the lateness of this update, working days again and fitting training in has yet again been the priority - something I vowed it would do. I can however justify sitting on my arse and writing this now as I did a duathlon earlier and wasn't easy on myself. But I'm not writing about that in this post, that will be in the one to follow, there is too much to include in this one.

Our perfect house
  So, since my last blog I did get some good luck as the four leaf clover I found superstitiously promised. On the 5th October Dan and I viewed three properties (bearing in mind we had been waiting patiently for something to view this was luck in itself). Given the current market around Buckinghamshire and our small search radius due to Dan's job as a firefighter we knew we would have to move quickly on one in particular - a 2 bed Victorian house in Bourne End. Even looking at the pictures online we knew we would love it and we weren't disappointed - it was perfect. By this point however it had had eight viewings, it was not going to be there much longer. We arranged a second viewing for the day after but as we were looking around our third property of the day (a huge three bedroom new build) we were told that the perfect Victorian house had an asking price offer. I knew from that moment that we could not lose it, even though we were considering the new build beforehand because of its size and practicality of having a garage. Sometimes being under pressure is a good thing as it showed the emotion we had attached to the house. We saw the property again that night with my mum and then it was a waiting game. At 11.55am on Saturday 6th October our offer was accepted on our dream house. Rosie truly was watching over us.

  On the subject of Rosie, I have decided to raise money for SUDEP (Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy) whilst on my quest to get to the Ironman World Championships. I have to say that I don't like asking for money even though I know it is going to an amazing cause and I don't have an exact figure I would like to raise, but I believe that raising money for a cause so close to my heart will help the charity as well as give me the much needed motivational boost. This charity does invaluable research into Epilepsy related deaths as well as offer much needed support to the families and friends affected by such a tragic death (people like me). Since setting up my justgiving page - www.justgiving.com/Hollie4Kona - I have received just under £410. This to me is just amazing and I cannot express my gratitude in words. Some people who have donated have been friends of Rosie, myself and my sister. As well as that I have had donations from strangers who have read my story in the local newspaper - this to me is so humbling and again highlights the kindness of strangers. My article went in a few newspapers around the area - this is one from an online site; http://m.dailyecho.co.uk/news/10731932.Tragic_teen_inspires_aunt_to_pay_tribute_to_her_memory/. This type of coverage is great for what I am trying to achieve and I shall continue to try and gain more of this in order to raise awareness of Rosie's death and raise money in her memory. I hope the total continues to rise and if anyone reads this and is kind enough to donate I would be so incredibly grateful - as you will all know it means so much to me and my family as this charity is so close to our hearts.

  Back to training. The first week after my last blog I did a fair bit of training with the goal of maintaining my fitness until the time was right to start stepping the intensity up to peak at Ironman Wales in September 2014. Before I do the big reveal (not that big to some who already know) I'll briefly explain what I got up to and what my plans were during this week. I had made it my focus until March 2014 to do a lot base training - this would involve keeping my fitness at the level I have gained but more importantly focussing on resistance training. This basically means strengthening my body which will ultimately make me stronger in each discipline. So I began a training plan which included weight and specific muscle training for everyday of the week. For example I would do 2 hours before work at the gym doing my cardio and core work. This involved a brick session of a hard spin and then a tough treadmill run. My new favourite toy that my gym has is the Wattbike (this is what I spin on) and for anyone who has a spare £1600 and doesn't like turbo's (like me) I cannot recommend these enough. (In fact I did recommend it and someone from the Tri Club actually did buy one - jealous much?). They are more worthwhile in my eyes than a turbo and a perfect for an endurance training bike as they are comfortable - definitely a positive for a stationary bike especially if training for an Ironman as you will need to be on there awhile. They are also technical something I love and break down your workout. I find this a great way to assess myself as I can record how far I did and see my improvement from week to week. I come off the machine dripping with sweat but know I have put in a good workout. After this I'll do some core and abdominal work and then go to work until lunchtime. During my lunch break I would do an hour of weight training, this is an example of what I do during lunch in the week;

Monday: Legs
Tuesday: Chest and Triceps
Wednesday: (off)
Thursday: (off)
Friday: Back and Biceps
Saturday: Shoulders
Sunday: Legs

 With Dan's personal training knowledge and love of weight training I am confident in what I am doing.
  When out on a 40mile bike ride with Jane from the Tri Club she agreed with all I was doing in regards to resistance training. It was on that bike ride that a seed was planted (by Jane) which may have led to the most outrageous plan of mine (and that's saying something). Jane suggested that I look into other Ironman events around the world and analyse how many of my age group enter, how many slots are available and on record how many times the slots have rolled down (i.e. if the first person doesn't accept they're place how long until someone does) in order to help me tactfully qualify for Kona. It is widely known in the Ironman world that Wales, Lanzarote and Nice are regarded as the hardest courses (I was once told you have to be a mountain goat to do Nice). This therefore makes them the least popular with my age group and sex. I toyed with this for a while and then two days after the seed had been planted I began to look into Nice and Lanzarote for 2015 if I was not successful in Wales. The beautiful location of France's Ironman in Nice and flat run course appeals to many athletes despite a hard bike leg so the previous results were quite competitive. Lanzarote however got me excited. This year there was only one competitor in my age and sex group - meaning instant qualification - and the year before there were no entries at all in my group. I therefore thought I would tell my dad these facts explaining that if I do not qualify in Wales 2014 this could well be a consideration for 2015. My dads reply was, "Let's go for it!" (for 2014), he even said at one point it was a no brainer! I replied very sceptically, I had thought I was mad for applying for Wales with just 3 months of focussed endurance training, but at least I was in my own country. I replied, "Well my heart it racing with nerves and excitement already. I'm sure I could do it. I would need to step up training now and need some warm weather training. So six months of hard training does seem possible - I had less for Wales...do not not think it seems a bit mad?". Dad came back with, "No! Not at all! It's easier than Wales just the temperature problem. It'll give you two shots at it in 2014". This had me thinking, I had put all my eggs in one basket with Wales and you couldn't mistake the logic in giving another qualification chance a miss. However, although Wales is regarded as the hardest in the world and I spoke to people during Wales who had done Lanzarote who said Wales was harder it is not to be taken lightly at all. The heat is obviously a major factor when in Lanzarote and that is just something in the UK we cannot train for unless we train out there. However, on top of that the bike course climbs 2551 metres and if the heat and climbing volcanoes isn't enough to contend with, you have the harsh island winds to battle with. All in all this is no easy Ironman and due to the climate could be argued as harder than Wales for us Brits. However, Lanzarote has always been one I want to tick off as I want to be able to say I have done the most feared. The debate in my head started. The one thing that really played with me is that I didn't want to let anyone down - so if I went to Lanzarote with my parents and Dan which was the plan and didn't get a slot I would feel so deflated for myself and my supporters. I then began looking at the start list to see if anyone in my age group had applied. In fact two had, one from the US and another from the UK. I then began researching them - had they done an Ironman before? If so what time had they got? Are they going for qualification too? I did this until I had a headache. That's when I decided to ask the advice of my Ironman Twitter followers. Two who have previously competed wrote, "DO IT! It is hilly, hot and windy, but it's a race that's earned and rewarding", "Hardest day of my life. Totally amazing experience. So few women race. A must do event". This is how another responded when I explained I about my research into the competition, "Trust in your ability and forget the opposition! Train harder, race faster. Believe and you will get there!". I have to say this one was probably the one tweet that made my decision that much easier. After about 4 hours since my dads text I had decided - I was going for Ironman Lanzarote and it reminded me of a quote I had recently seen which has since become my favourite, 'If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough'. After announcing my seemingly crazy decision I got so much support on Twitter;

    "You've certainly got all my support and others too. You'll be awesome. Inspirational too"
    "Belief is everything! You will achieve"
    "Remember one thing, you have something that none of the others have. The very reason you want  
      to win!"
    "Proud to be a supporter of #Hollie4Kona"

 So on 17th May 2014 I shall be competing in Ironman Lanzarote and aiming for a Kona place. I have already stepped up the training - pushing myself when swimming, spinning and running until I feel on the verge of sickness. When that does happen and I want to stop I just think of Rose and why I am doing what I am doing. Rose gives me the strength to carry on. I have also looked into hints and tips from coaches who have done Lanzarote. Mark Kleanthous an endurance athlete in his own right and a triathlon author and coach says, "A training camp 12-8 weeks before with hills like Italy or Spain will help a lot". He also recommends doing a weighted leg workout (as I have been doing) twice a week to build endurance for the tough bike course. I would love to do a training camp abroad in order for me to try and deal with the heat but again time and money are restrictive especially when some training camps can go easily go into the thousands with a well known coach and flights included.
  It is going to be a selfish year but I have  a focus and a goal I have to achieve. Dean Karnazes, ultramarathon man writes, "Endurance sports will either strengthen a relationship or destroy it. There's no middle ground. I have witnessed relationships and families grow stronger when one partner, or even on sibling, takes up running, cycling, or triathlon. On the flip side I have seen relationships torn apart". Fingers crossed with my amazing support network in Dan, my parents, family, friends and followers I'm not the latter!

Friday 4 October 2013

The kindness of strangers

  Although this blog was and still is about my journey as an Ironman, the tragedy that my family and I have faced has affected my priorities and thoughts which in turn has altered my Ironman goals. This is apparent as it is readily known now that my aim for 2014 is to qualify for Kona (no easy feat). Furthermore as this really is a diary, albeit a public one, it is a way for me to express my thoughts. With this said, I have to say bluntly that I am struggling emotionally. Rose was like a sister to me as I was only three when she was lovingly bought into the world. Soon after that we became inseparable, constantly playing with 'Barbies', 'Bratz', 'Action Man' (you name it). We would fight as sisters and she would steal my clothes like sisters. She had recently grown into a stunning young lady and definitely a head turner (even if you heard her before you saw her). She was loving her university life in Nottingham and had a bright future ahead of her. This is what makes the situation so hard, cruel and unfair. She was loved by so many (that was evident by the amount of people who were at her thanksgiving) and was too young to be taken away from us all. I have always been a bottler of emotions and have tried to stay strong for my family, in particular my sister who has lost her eldest daughter. However, going back to work last week was tougher than I thought. I was on the night shifts for the fortnight which I believed would be good as no-one would really see me. Although that was the case the night shifts are never busy like the days so I was left to my own thoughts. I hadn't sat down and done nothing for weeks, even months, so this was a shock to the system. I think it was when I got back from my third night shift out of the five that I had noticed a change in myself. I arrived to my night shift in an almost 'high' mood and when I returned I was on a serious low. I was trying to psyche myself up for work and then throughout the night I would crash which made doing anything seem impossible. Was this normal? I had been putting a major front on to all my colleagues, even Dan, as if nothing was wrong when in fact inside it was.
  On the Monday morning I decided to try and help myself and emailed a colleague who had recently been in a similar situation. I simply asked does this get easier? They were reassuring as they told me it did, but did also explained it is a horrible and painful path. They also suggested counselling which I at first thought seemed extreme, the word has that connotation. However since then I have seriously considered this as all they are are a detached person to talk to who will listen or offer their professional advice. This is a service that my company offers for free. I am the only one of all my close family who doesn't live within a 15 minute radius of each other (this is due to my work and Dan's job as a retained firefighter). Therefore, I do not have the luxury of being near my family all the time, and I miss them all terribly. I hate being so far away at a time like this and I feel guilty to myself and my family that I am not with them.
  I am really struggling to cope and when I feel like that I do try and get myself out of the house and busy myself as there is not a second when I am not thinking about Rose. Sometimes I will think about it and just think it's not real so it won't affect me, whereas other times I will just crumble. I feel almost zombie like, as if I am just getting by without knowing how I feel one moment to the next. High to low, low to high, which I have no control over. As much as I am struggling I know my other family are too and I don't want to burden them with my feelings on them as then who am I helping? This is why I have considered counselling. I know this may seem like an insult to Dan, as many people will say if you have a partner use them to lean on, but I also don't want to burden Dan. I just try and smile through my pain.
  I know Dan may also take a little offence when I say how much comfort my puppy pug Larry has been. He does certainly not fill the void but he is a companion who relies on me but more so is a distraction. He will lie with me if I'm sat down and he will always make me laugh with his silly face and funny mannerisms that I'm sure only a pug can do.

  This brings me on to my other distractions. Firstly I began reading ultra marathon man, Dean Karnazes book 'Run!'. There is little more to say about Dean except for that he runs...a lot! Fifty miles overnight is nothing out of the ordinary for him, in fact it's a regular occurrence. He has competed and completed many of the hailed toughest footraces on earth, some of which he has done over 10 times. Dean in my eyes is absolutely mental, to me an Ironman is not a patch on what this guy achieves. It may be the first book I have read recently who isn't a triathlete or Ironman, but even within the first few chapters I could resonate with everything he wrote. This made me realise I am an endurance athlete as opposed to being simply defined as an Ironman. I am made for endurance (I never was a sprinter). I believe the main quality and skill you need to be an endurance athlete is grit determination - your brain can in most scenerios get you through many physical ailments you may have. One favourite quote which he begins with is, "somewhere along the line we seem to have confused comfort with happiness". No-one would be an endurance runner, triathlete, cyclist without pain, "There is magic in the misery".
  On the same notion there was one quote that really struck a chord with me, so much so that I instantly went on his website and wrote an email to him (even though I was sure they never see or read these); "Just as a problem free-life never makes a good and strong person, smooth roads never make a good runner" (in my case I would exchange runner for triathlete). I quoted this to a friend who had a bad race over the weekend and received his first DNF (did not finish), much as I did in Wimbleball half Ironman last year. The devastation of a DNF is gutting. However, as I said to him, 'sometimes you need to have a bad race to grow from it. It is the determination to get back on the bike that will prove you are a triathlete'. A further quote from Dean to back what I said is, "You cannot grow and expand your capabilities to their limits without running the risk of failure. Failure can provide invaluable lessons".
  I just want to return to Dean's first quote about a problem free-life in relation to running. The tragedy which I have been faced with is cruel and unfair but all I can do is take something from it and improve myself as a person and as an athlete as Rose would want me to. I shall continue to quote his words to myself for my sake and in honour of Rosie's life and her philosophical beliefs of always being the best you can be. A quote that will always remind me of Rose is, 'Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll land among the stars'. That is exactly what I aim to do, Ironman training is my distraction for good. I shall finish this paragraph off with an Einstein quote, "In the middle of difficulty lies the opportunity for growth".

  Something else I did not include in my previous blog was my trip to Amsterdam. Although this was never planning to be a healthy trip with the help of Dean's book I have managed to make quite a good evaluation of the short getaway. This trip fell just after Rosie's funeral and the day before I returned to work. Although I was sceptical about going at this time as I didn't want to leave my family and felt guilty for trying to enjoy myself, my Dad told me to go. His thoughts were that after all it would be time away to getaway and try and have some fun even given the circumstances. I have to say it was a good distraction. I don't think I have to explain in too much detail why my friend and I had planned to go to Amsterdam. She had suggested it to forget about her ex-boyfriend, and given the situation I was in, maybe I needed to try and forget too. Her idea to forget was to, as my brother would say, 'smoke da herb'. I have never smoked weed or tried so this was just a way of legally ticking it off I suppose. I found this quote from Lily Tomlin in Deans' book on my return, "Exercise is for people who can't handle drugs". I think it is safe to say exercise is my drug as I definitely cannot handle the real ones. I never once felt 'high', OK maybe I did forget, but I felt incapable of any social interactions. I would just be chilled out on a bean bag feeling nothing in a dark room. Far from the feeling of 'high' I was expecting and although people told me that is what being high is like, I cannot understand how opposite the feeling is to the word associated to the drug. I knew that I got real highs without damaging my lungs and brain when swimming, cycling and running. I'm glad I tried getting 'stoned' or 'high' and enjoyed going away but I'll be sticking to triathlon thanks. The endorphins they give me are greater than any drug can give and I am well and truly addicted.

  I just want to finish on the immense support I have received in the last day. Firstly Dean Karnazes replied personally to my email expressing that any inspiration I have received from him is reciprocated in my past and future achievements. WOW! He also continued to say he wanted me to continue sharing my aspirations with him. That was when I realised I had his email address. Now, I'm much like my Dad where I try to not get starstruck over celebrities, but I was officially struck. This to me was better than having Brad Pitt knock at my door! I have since replied giving the link to my blog which he again replied acknowledging he had read it. So if you are reading now Dean, thank you, you have even further rooted my determination. (I also highly recommend his books).

  Secondly, I received an email via Facebook from the fireman who helped my parents in Wales. The Ironman was a closed road event so a truck was needed to escort them to and from etc. (I honestly do not know the full details). It was this unexpected act of kindness that really did make me think in the mix of such tragedy there are some lovely people in this world. He wished his love and thoughts to us all and encouraged me to say hello at Tenby fire station next year, something I know my parents would like to do to say thank you.

  Thirdly, I have had some replies from the Channel Swimmers in regards to my worried email I sent about whether it is viable for me to still take part given my new IM goals. The camaraderie I have felt already within the group has really humbled me. The first explained that is definitely a viable challenge and batted away my worries about losing weight by telling me his low body fat percentage at the time of completing the channel last year with no wetsuit. He continued to point out that the water will be 17/18 degrees when we plan to do our crossing which is easily warm enough to do without too much acclimatisation (I'll take your word for it). He finished off by saying, "Plus, when you're in Ironman mode, nothing is impossible anyway" - touche! Another response which fiercely shows the team work required of such an event reiterated that acclimatisation doesn't take that long and will only benefit my Ironman training. He continued to say, "Let's face it - it'd be pretty cool to be able to say I swam the channel with a World Championship Ironman (as I'm never going to do go myself!) - so I'll offer now any support which I can, even if it's just tailoring some of our training around yours". How nice is that!

  Fourthly, I decided I wanted to become a Pirate. No I am not taking to the seas in search of treasure. These are a national group of triathletes who share their love of triathlons through banter and humour. They sport the Pirate kit which is yellow with a skull and cross bones on. I had heard of these for a while and had always wanted to get involved. None of the members take themselves too seriously (the website name pirate ship of fools should back that up) and the support that they get when competing in an event is amazing. I had seen quite a few when in Wales, one of whom hung back to talk to me when I was struggling. Since getting back from Wales I decided to post on Runners World online site and ask how I became a Pirate. When I finally found my post again it had 18 replies. It declared I was officially onboard. There was some banter shared between them all and in amongst the replies was the guy who I had met in Wales, his comment was "warning folks, she's good on the bike" which sparked much jokey hatred. What a small world. The initiation process to becoming a Pirate is the picking of a name for yourself, none of which I have seen are particularly complimentary. I was not surprised to see that someone had suggested Fanny (after the cook Fanny Craddock). It is supposed to be an amusing name so I suppose this did work but I'm awaiting anymore suggestions (I could live to regret that). So now I am also a Pirate and part of a further group of eager triathletes, many of whom are Ironmen too, to share and laugh about our experiences. I can't wait to get some kit!

  Fifthly, and lastly, I have received some really heartwarming messages on Twitter. I have never paid much attention to Twitter, until recently I didn't really understand it. I had been hacked on my account and only recently decided to sort this out. I made the decision to make my Twitter solely about my Ironman goals and to try and get my blog 'out there' as I know many have been successful in doing. (The author, Andrew Holgate, who inspired me by making me believe an Ironman was possible began his journey from a 'common man' to an Ironman and author from his blog). I had recently wondered how people get so many 'followers' on Twitter as well and wanted to increase mine as ultimately this would increase my blog views. I decided yesterday to post my blog on an inspirational man who had decided to quit smoking and then become and Ironman...in nine months. He has 460 followers in comparison to my 25, who I assume regularly read his blog updates. From the moment I posted my blog to him my Twitter went mental. I received messages and tweets labelling me as an inspiration and congratulating me on my achievement. I even had my own hash tag started, #Hollie4Kona, which I shall use from now on.
  By the end of the day I had 69 followers, including Andrew Holgate the guy who got it all started, an Olympic gold medallist with an MBE and a professional triathlete who I regularly follow. This particular role model of mine wrote, "Stay inspiring Hollie, read and admire your work". If there was ever a time to use the American saying 'stoked' this would be the time. I even exchanged online conversations with these people - again starstruck. So if you are all still following and reading this I thank you for your kind words, I cannot express how much it means to me. I also have to give a special thank you to Michael Barnett (@Smoker2Ironman) who started my 'Twittergate'. It's great to get my story heard and I can only use this for good to raise awareness as well as being a personal motivating factor. (I'm still new to Twitter really so go easy on me!). I was so heart warmed earlier that every email saying I had a new follower or new message made me feel emotional.
  Furthermore Dan had some amazing news that day as well. He is going to be in the local paper to promote his new business, they are getting the professional photographers round as well! Amidst the tragedy there is some light and it makes me think Rose is looking out for me and directing me. I also found a four leaf clover today - maybe this is a sign of things to come, it would be nice for our luck to change, I think we all deserve it.

A sign of things to come?
  It is evident that I have a strong support network. I could do nothing without the support of my family but I now have a larger network of people who range from celebrities, to team-mates, to professional athletes to hobbyist triathletes. However, all are vital for motivation and achieving my goal of getting to Kona. All I have to do now is put in the work to get to there. #Hollie4Kona