Die with memories, not dreams

 I wasn't intending to write this blog post so soon after my social media announcement about moving to Lanzarote (for those who haven't read it on there - I am moving to Lanzarote!). However I feel I should before this weekend as I could be needing to write another shortly after detailing my Channel Swim efforts. Aside from this fact however I also found a perfect reason to explain one of the reasons as to why I am making this life changing move. This came to me whilst I sat in Sky's canteen having dinner. It dawned on me as I poured my Uncle Ben's risotto into a container and topped that off with some Tesco pre-cooked chicken that I had had all my meals that day either on the way to work or at work. I awoke at 6am and got my sports gear on and grabbed my bags with my work clothes inside. I then started on my 1h30 commute to work. This is where I had a banana and an obligatory Skinny Latte that I picked up at Fleet Services to break the journey up. I then trained for 2 hours before work at Sky's gym. After a tough workout I got some breakfast and ate at my desk. I had my pre-made pasta for lunch at work, trained again on another break and then ate dinner at work. I will work until 10pm and then travel the 1h30 back home only to flop exhausted on my bed only to repeat it all over again the next day. That's 17 and a half hours away from home. The routine of it is depressing. Even if I got back at 11.30pm I would have to be asleep by midnight to even guarantee I got 6 hours sleep (2 hours short of the recommended amount). I see quotes from coaches on a daily basis slating people like myself, "sleep is just as important as the hours you spend training". However, for me there are physically no more hours in the day for me and the last time I checked no-one had invented a Bernard's Watch where you can stop time. I don't want to sound like I am moaning as I picked this job and the industry - I knew shift work was hard and I am not complaining as I am doing something about it but I did think even before I made the decision to move to Lanzarote, "Is this really what my life at 23 years old has come to?" (and with a successful career in this industry it would only get worse). Something had to give. Since working at Sky triathlon has increasingly become a bigger part of my life and since September last year when I made that promise to Rosie, my real focus. The balance was getting tough to keep. Which was more important to me? This revelation came on my latest trip to Lanzarote...

 I think it is evident from my Lanzarote blog post from July (A life changing trip - my third time to Lanzarote) that I absolutely adored my training, the friends I made and the island. From day 2 of the trip I was thinking "I could live here" - in all honesty after my first trip to Lanzarote in March where I first fell in love with the island I knew that. Someone recently told me I write about the island like it's a long lost friend - quite poetic and a nice way to explain it. Throughout the week which got increasingly better the discussion in my head about moving got louder and louder. It went from "I could live here" to "I want to live here" to "I need to live here". However the "sensible" part of my brain was ringing loud; 'you aren't risky enough', 'you can't lose your house' (I had had an offer on a 2 bed cottage accepted just days before flying)  'you can't leave your job and the money'. The long rides enabled me to argue these over and over until I began to find some real things about myself. I love my job, I worked hard to get where I am, but I admitted to Sam after some time of reflection, that I like saying I work at Sky News, it gets a 'Wow - what do you do there' every single time. Was this the reason I was staying? Or was it this admittance to myself which meant I was ready to say goodbye? I had my career planned in Sky, I was due to go on a secondment to my dream job imminently (that I had arranged) which would see me travel the world following the stories and reporters. Surely I couldn't give this up?

 Those long rides were as cliche and dramatic as it sounds were absolutely life changing. I learnt so much about myself and what I want from life. I learnt how to cope with the breakdown of my 5 year relationship. I realised although I think of Rosie more often when cycling in Lanzarote it does not bring me down. I feel as if I am being proactive and for the first time since losing Rose, coping. I also realised I hate the materialism of the UK. I do not need much (bar a nice bike) in Lanzarote to keep me happy and I if I ever get bored of the lava fields it will be time to leave! You work to live, not live to work. This was the lifestyle I craved and I believe needed - I felt liberated by it.
 The arguments continued in my head throughout that week but I began making potential plans. First I decided I would try this new job and see how it goes. The next day I decided I would see how it goes and try to get a sabbatical. I wanted to live the Lanzarote dream so badly but I was terrified of throwing the routine life I had in the UK away as much as it knackered me out. I wished I could live both paths but that was not possible.

 I didn't delve into this on my Lanzarote blog as I wanted to portray the trip as the happy trip it was and not for the dips, however, the day before I left I was reserved and felt like I was in a bubble, watching the world go by. I didn't feel like I was leaving to end a holiday, I felt like I was leaving home. As I sat in the airport having gone through customs I received messages from the friends I made there. Nathan's lovely words made me cry and that didn't stop when Sam was messaging me too. I felt numb and was unsure what I was going to do even when I landed in the UK. I tried to make myself believe it was a holiday over and I could just return when I saw fit. I did the two night shifts I had left (a depressing whack back to reality) and then saw my mum. I am very much a person who speaks through words. If I have something I want to say I write it down and email it so I can be objective, get my points out and make a conclusion, much like a generic story or journalistic piece. However, I could not do this this time. Of course mum asked how Lanzarote was, my reply was I want to move there - she laughed, I didn't. I then cried and explained as much as I could through the tears. Mum then said, "I just want you to be happy". She also said, "After everything we have been through it is evident you only live once, I fully support you". I felt like I could burst - I needed my parents support more than anything. In those 15 minutes we pulled out of the house purchase. My life was starting to change and my tears soon disappeared. I had butterflies full of excitement - I knew in that moment I had made the best decision of my life.
 When my sister  found out however I felt awful and selfish. I couldn't do this to her. I doubted myself - had I really done the right thing? Could I really leave my sister now? However selfish this may sound I knew I had to as I truly believe by staying in the UK I would be heading in a downward spiral of depression. I admitted to myself that I simply was not happy in the UK. People may think I'm mad to be giving up my job and the decent salary I earn for my age and I am scared but back to another one of my favourite quotes, "If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough".

 Another example to push me to make the move was when I was sat at work looking at some of the vision from Gaza (the stuff viewers would never get to see). I have grown, or more like, had to grow a thick skin since working at Sky News as some of the images we see are horrific. However, for the first time during my time there I couldn't cope with it and nearly broke down seeing the bodies of children and the anguish and pain of their parents, something I have seen first hand. I couldn't edit it and my colleague said I didn't have to - since then he has not made me. Maybe my skin has weakened, maybe I want to run away from the truth (judge me all you want) but either way I don't want to see it anymore. I don't want to see it on a screen in a room let alone follow this despair around the world. I knew then this industry was not right for me in this stage of my life and my emotional state.

 I truly believe that it was fate that took me on that holiday and I think it's fate I met the people I did. Sam, Nathan, Seb and I are all different ages, brought up in different ways, in different places, however we all have a past. We have all had some form of sadness that has changed us a person. I think we were meant to meet and I have gained so much inspiration from you all. Without meeting Nathan and Seb who made the move to Lanzarote I know I wouldn't even have dreamed of doing this - so thank you! And without Sam well I wouldn't have had the amazing time I did or even met the people we did so I can't thank you enough and I know I've made a lifelong friend in you.
 Finally I also believe this venture is Rosie guiding me in some way. Without losing Rosie my path would never have been taken on this journey. I would never have been chasing Kona, hell I may never have done an Ironman again! Rosie although not with us in person has made me discover my real passion in life, fitness and triathlon.

 So what am I doing out there - well I am tempting no fate but I would like to help others achieve their sporting dreams but I shall say no more. I will however be going regardless of a job proposition, the latest date I will be there is the 27th October but job dependent I could be there within a month. I have learnt rather painfully over the last 11 months that life is too short and you only get one chance at it, living in Lanzarote is something I have to do in my lifetime. I will train like a bitch to get to Kona in Rosie's memory whilst there and I am going to change my career to my passion. Bring on the Lanza lifestyle!
 I am going to finally finish with a quote I have as the background on my phone to remind me every time I look at it to make my dream a reality. Thank you for all your support - there will be more information to follow so watch this space!